Fatherhood is a venture into the unknown, and much of being a dad is learning on the fly. But I am here — with my extensive three months experience as a dad — to answer some of the pressing questions you may have as you prepare to enter dad-dom.

 

Will having a baby strain my

marriage/partnership?

Even the strongest, happiest of relationships can be stressed by having a baby, but it is important to remember that you are in this together and parenting is a partnership and collective experience. You will share in the stress, the joy, the exhaustion and the feeling of wanting to snuff one another out under a pillow when you are both exhausted and baby starts crying again at 3 a.m. 

It’s also important to “spice things up” once in a while. You can do so by only discussing baby’s bowel movements for six hours out of the day.

Should I vaccinate my child?

Vaccinations have become the subject of heated debates in the last decade, and it is understandable that you should be concerned on which side to take. On one end of the argument, you have concerned parents who understand herd immunity, the benefits of eradicating communicable diseases and believers in the science of vaccines. On the other side of the argument you have self-righteous idiots. Choose wisely.

 

How should I baby-proof my house?

Move.

 

Where can I find a competent

and affordable daycare?

Mars, perhaps, because affordable daycare does not exist on Earth.

 

My sister-in-law has concerns for the environment and only uses cloth diapers. Should my partner and I consider using cloth diapers?

Babies in general are terrible for the environment as nearly every baby item in existence that is not meant to be worn or slept on is hard plastic. That is because it is far easier to clean poo off hard plastic versus other materials, such as fabric. Consider that in your decision making. 

 

Should I allow co-sleeping?

Trick question. Co-sleeping implies that you will actually sleep as the father of a newborn.

 

My partner and I are having a boy. Should we circumcise?

This is another subject that has become a point of debate in recent years, but what you should really concern yourself with is if you are ready to have a little boy, by far the most disgusting living creatures in the world, in your home?

 

Should my partner and I host a

gender reveal party?

Only if you like spending a bunch of money and time on a ridiculous concept that has somehow become normalized. 

 

Breastmilk or formula?

Breastmilk is generally preferable, with hardcore breastfeeding advocates treating formula as if it were a mixture of arsenic and 10W-30 motor oil being fed to babies. However, not every mother can magically start producing milk, or enough of it, or can deal with their nipples being tormented for 20 hours out of the day between feeding and pumping. Just make sure baby is fed no matter what you choose. They are going to spit it up either way.

Speaking of which, as a man, I find the concept of breastfeeding kind of, well, odd. Is it normal to feel that way?

Yes, as a man you have spent the last few decades ogling breasts without ever considering they are nutrient delivery devices. It might take a while, up to eight seconds, for you to go back to viewing them solely for pleasure.

 

Should I start saving now for my baby’s college fund?

No. Given the constant increase to college tuition, you should have started saving for your child’s education when you, yourself, were born.

 

Should I be concerned with milestones?

All babies are different, some will reach milestones such as walking or talking “early” while others need more time. You should only be concerned with milestones if you believe that your child is destined to become a CEO of a Fortune 500 company because they grasped a toy ring two days before a milestone chart said they should. 

 

How can I ensure I am being a good dad?

Just do what is best for baby. If you keep that in mind at all times, you will be a good dad. That advice was given to me by my father, who is a great dad.

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