If my waistline is any indication, Thanksgiving is obviously my favorite holiday. And if this column gives you any indication I use drugs, I assure you I do not. Why would I do drugs when there is beer?
So, as you are recovering from your 4,000-calorie meal coma, or preparing for it, here are a few random thoughts on the center of the holiday, food and eating.
“Turkey butt bread” sounds a lot less appealing than stuffing/dressing.
Unless someone is preparing for a boxing/wrestling match, can they really be considered overweight?
If a smoothie is generally defined as blended fruit(s), could we consider ketchup a smoothie? If a soup is nothing more than a mixture of foodstuffs in mostly liquid, is a smoothie soup? Is ketchup soup?
True optimism is believing the hot dog you’ve purchased from a gas station roller doesn’t have other people’s spittle, phlegm and general nastiness on it.
The person who decided that what was really missing from their potato dish was marshmallows was someone definitely hitting the bottle hard on Thanksgiving.
Eating a sandwich for dessert sounds strange until there’s ice cream involved.
Avocadoes, certain fish species and some nuts are often labeled as “good fat.” I hope people describe me in the same way.
Do vegans eat animal crackers? Oreos are vegan. That’s a statement, not a thought, but it is interesting anyway.
If we used the labeling system used for corn-on-the-cobb for other foods, we would have peach-off-the-tree, chicken-wings-off-the-bird, honey-off-the-hive and vanilla-beans-out-of-the-pod ice cream.
Every saltwater fish you have ever eaten was brined.
The cook who coined the term meatloaf wasn’t very creative. And meatloaf is probably the most unappealing sounding food name of them all.
I looked up the word “mashed” in a thesaurus and found a whole lot of new ways to describe that form of potatoes.
Drinking orange juice without pulp is like eating cottage cheese with no curds. Almond milk suggests the existence of pistachio milk, which sounds delicious.
All food can be considered baby food, it’s just that it’s not really advisable to feed a baby most of it.
The term “cream cheese” is redundant. Eating an egg with mayonnaise on it is the egg equivalent of crunchy peanut butter.
If cut grass smelled like roasted garlic, I’d mow my law a lot more often.
Takeout food is taken out of a restaurant in a takeout container and eaten by taking out the food from the takeout container before we take out the takeout container when we take out the trash.
Eating sausage biscuits and gravy for breakfast is telling the world you will not be productive that day.
The first person who cracked open an oyster, saw what was inside and decided it looked like something he could eat must have been on the cusp of starvation.
The more you think about it, the less appetizing it sounds to order a “bucket” of chicken or popcorn.
Any liquid is a BBQ sauce if you put it on BBQ. Also, BBQ can be a verb, noun or adjective.
Eating mashed potatoes with squash sounds like someone dropped dinner. You cannot convince me that Cheese Nips were not named by a giggling, 8-year-old boy.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.