Milton Country Club

A few months ago, a consultant working with Milton on its master plan for the park at the former Milton Country Club property said a major aspect of reopening the site is giving it a name. After all, a name provides a sense of place, such as Providence Park or Birmingham Park. It can also serve as a way to celebrate the city, a person or other entity, such as Bell Memorial Park, which is named in honor of John Bell who donated 15 acres of land for the future park in his will. 

But more important to this journalist is that once a name is given to the park at the former Milton Country Club property, I no longer have to write “park at the former Milton Country Club property.” 

For nearly two years now I’ve had to type out that phrase seemingly every week, and quite frankly, I’m sick of it. So here is my plea: let’s just name the park, already. 

To get the ball rolling, I’ll outline a few ideas I have. For instance, anything. Because any name is better than the park at the former Milton Country Club property, which sounds like the park is having an identity crisis or was named by the artist formerly known as Prince. 

From my writing perspective, I’d be happy to call it Park X, though that probably would have been more appropriate for Providence Park when those unknown chemicals were found dumped on the site.  

But really, any name. 

How about Fore Park, a pun-ny play on the fact that it was once a golf course and is the city’s fourth sizeable park? 

Or we could call it Floss Pick Park given its slight likeness to something you use to fish out popcorn kernels from your molars. Or, keeping with the shape theme, how about Amoeba Park?

The city could also use the naming process to address the fact that numerous homes will abut the property, and to heed warning, name it, Stay the Hell Off My Lawn Park. 

Two of Milton’s parks that are not named based on location both start with ‘F,’ including Freedom Park and Friendship Park. How about we continue that trend and, just for good measure, throw in some of that Milton love of horses and give it an equine theme like Foal Park? Oh, I’ve got it, Foallywood! 

Sticking with the horse theme, how about Pastern Park? Doesn’t that just roll off the tongue and, in an unrelated matter, can be typed quickly by someone who makes his living typing on a computer? Like a newspaper editor, for instance. 

Truthfully, I imagine the city will open the naming process up to the public, and you, my dear readers, will absolutely come up with better names. Even if the suggestion is made, and I’m not making it, that the site be called Parky McParkface Park in the same vein as the internet’s naming of the ship Boaty McBoatface. 

You can help me in never again having to write “park at the former Milton Country Club property” again by beginning to think of your ideas. To help keep you thinking about what you would like to see the park named, consider the following limerick: 

 

“There once was a park off Dinsmore Road 

But on it a bad tag was bestowed

A new name was called for 

One the people would adore 

So Joe’s ideas went down the commode”

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